STICK TO WHAT YOU KNOW

I'm a big Amazon fan. There's nothing better than being at work and receiving a lovely brown package containing a beautiful new book or CD. It reminds me of when I was at primary school and we used to order stuff from a book club called 'Chip & Lucky'. When the goods arrived and I could see that box of delicious books and stickers and posters sitting behind the teacher's desk, I swear it was the happiest moment of my life. Sometimes I'd be so excited that I'd wet myself. Not really. Okay, really.

I should tell you that I am an absolute crackhead for books. I would show you a picture of my room, but it's embarrasing. You can't see the floor for books, spread all around like some new 3D carpet. Bookcases, you ask? Oh, I have them. But each shelf is already three books deep. Hence the piles on the floor.

Actually I have general storage issues in my room. I also have too many CDs lying about. Some of them are out of their cases, sliding about face up, getting all scratched and shit. I can't be bothered to pick them up, but when I try to play them and they start skipping, I'll act all shocked and angry, like some evil leprechaun came in the middle of the night and started destroying them out of spite. The bastard.

I also have way too many trainers lying about. I love buying new kicks, but I don't take care of them the way some people think you should. You know you go to some people's MySpaces and they have that classic picture of all their trainers lined up? Like this?

Well, I can't get with that shit. I like the lived in look. I don't want pussy trainers, I want trainers that can get knocked about a bit and come out the other end in one piece. Soldiers. I've paid a lot of money for them, those motherfuckers should be able to look after themselves.

And then there's the crates of 12" records. They take up 50% of my room on their own which means that I'm often to be heard screaming "Oh fuck! FUCK!!! FUUUUCKKK!!!" through the bedroom walls. Because I'm tripping over them, not cos I'm having wild earth-shaking sex.

ANYWAY I've totally digressed. Is anyone still reading? My original point was with regards to Amazon. I was saying that I love it. That, although I have a million books lying over my floor at home, I still have 7 pages in my Amazon wishlist that I fully intend on purchasing before the year is out.

But if you've checked the site recently, you'll noticed that they've, er..diversified somewhat. They sell fucking shoes! Like I'm gonna buy my shoes off Amazon for fuck's sake!

Sexy man: Hey, Josephine, where do you get your shoes from?
Josephine: Amazon.
Sexy man: Oh...okay. Bye then! Freak.

That's what'll happen.

Having said that though, when I was little, I did have a pair of trainers from Tesco. I thought they were the lick. Here's me and my sister rocking that shit like only we can.